By Kirsty Topping
But the plot quickly fell apart after Hearts bosses spotted his fake CV.
The madcap plan to make Hearts “sink like a stone into the Third Division” is claimed in a book by Welsh’s long-time friend by Sandy Macnair.
Sandy has told how in the 1970s, before he became famous, Leith-born Welsh wrote to the Tynecastle side looking to secure the manager’s job.
In his letter he boasted of a string of previous posts to impress the Hearts top brass, including time spent working for with “second division Cantonese no-hopers and up-and-coming Saharan outfits”.
If he had taken the top job at Hearts, Welsh planned to cripple the club by bringing in a range of new measures.
Sandy says the author would have “changed their colours to green and white, then bankrupted them by signing loads of crap, over-the-hill rejects from Rangers.”
The story is just one of many told by Sandy in his new book Carspotting: The Real Adventures of Irvine Welsh.
Sandy, who describes himself as Welsh’s “loyal wing man”, proofread Trainspotting for the modest sum of £20.
He said: “He did eventually receive a polite reply from Tynecastle, saying basically, ‘Thanks but no thanks, and all the best in your future career’.
“This gem, printed on headed notepaper bearing the Hearts crest, was promptly expensively framed and for many years enjoyed pride of place on the walls of his Leith flat.”
Sandy also describes Welsh pretending to be a Hearts fan in the hope of winding up true fans.
Sandy’s book also reveals that Welsh’s psychopathic character Francis Begbie was partly based on “an Edinburgh nutter” who drank himself to death in his 30s.
He writes: “In the evening he (Welsh] used to see him temporarily burying his stash of alcohol with the aid of a trowel in Leith Links, as it was forbidden to take it into his hostel.”
The book follows several decades in the lives of Sandy and Welsh as they dipped in and out of employment.
Sandy reminisces about Welsh dressing up as David Bowie before heading out to the bars and clubs, many of which the pair were eventually barred from, with Welsh “slouching across the floor to the strains of Suffragette City”.
After one particularly heavy drinking session where Welsh passed out after downing 16 pints at a party, Sandy describes how a prostitute known as “Deep Throat” jumped on Welsh.
He writes: “She pounced like a sex-starved panther on Irvine, who was decidedly not.
“He was assuredly dead to the world, sprawled face down on the settee.”
He also reveals that Welsh is a fan of cancelled soap Crossroads.
Macnair writes: “Being a renowned authority on a vast array of subjects, it is nevertheless quite probable that – if selected as a contestant for Mastermind – Welsh would opt for Crossroads as his specialist subject.”
• Carspotting: The Real Adventures of Irvine Welsh is published by Black and White Publishing and released on September 1, priced £11.99.