A SCOTS digger driver has hilariously trolled his own dog after he was forced to rescue the pooch from drowning in a pond.
John Smith, from Clydebank, West Dunbartonshire, has gone viral after branding West Highland Terrier Alfie a “b*****d” and a “s*** stick”.
The 37-year-old told how he ended up in 4ft-deep water in Victoria Park, Clydebank, chasing after Alfie – who kept swimming away from him.
The digger driver said he ended up with “f****** ducks flying everywhere”, scraping his leg and ending up covered in feathers and pond weed after finally retrieving the cheeky westie.
And, despite his Herculean efforts Alfie quickly ran off to play with another dog while John was “wringing his fags oot” and discovering his phone had stopped working.
Thousands of social media users were quick to comment on the hilarious post and said it “made their day”.
Taking to Facebook, John wrote: “This b*****d will be the f****** death of me no joke.
“I finished work, gets in the house and just keeps the works clothes on. I decide to take him to Victoria park. Jump in the motor and we’re off.
“Gets there and got him on the lead as usual, pretty deed so decides tae let s*** stick aff the lead. Nae sooner is it aff he’s heading straight for the pond.
“NAW ALFIE WAIT – never been swimming in his life, he goes to bend down tae get a drink and head first straight in.
“F***, I’m shouting this way Alfie but he’s swimming away fae me paddling tae f****** Rothesay.”
Referring to himself, John continued: “It was then this d*** jumps in. I thought the water would be a good, maybe a bit deep. Nah about four foot.
“Splash f****** ducks flying everywhere, scraped my leg on something – probably a f****** trolley with a used johnny on it – grabs him and he’s still kicking thinking he’s swimming in ma hawns.
“There’s wee lassies shouting ‘Look mummy there’s a man and his dog swimming’.
“Nah Matilda are we f***. Gets him oot and pulls myself oot. I’ve got f****** duck feathers, swan feathers, pond weed draped aw oor me and probably seagull s***e on ma hawn when climbing oot.”
Alfie added insult to injury by running off after the rescue.
“He’s away rolling aboot playing with another dug, and am wringing ma fags oot, phone’s stopped working,” wrote John.
“A guy comes over and says that was brave. Brave be f*** mate a look like the swamp monster. Quick thinking he says. Aye that quick a did nae blow ma batman armbands up.
“Swear this dug will finish me aff one day.”
John shared a photograph of three-year-old Alfie sitting looking decidedly unashamed and very cute, perched on a windowsill.
Alongside the snap of Alfie, John took a photograph of a long red scabby wound on his leg from the pair’s adventure – and a pile of his damp clothes lying in a pile at his front door.
On social media, Allison Scrace wrote: “My sympathies. I’ve got a terrier too.”
Catherine Boyd added: “What a tonic on a horrible morning. I have never laughed so much for a while. Sorry.”
Helen Reynolds commented: “OMG I’m literally crying with laughter. You brightened up a fairly driech morning.”
Lisa Fretwell concurred, writing: “Omg that’s made my day. I’m creased with laughter.”
While Tracie Todd said simply: “Brilliant, so funny.”