Arguing and having different points of view on a specific topic is something normal that happens to every couple, especially those who live together in the same space. However, the problem lies in the recurring arguments, experts explain. There is a reason for these arguments, and the ART Project team of psychologists, doctors and specialized nutritionists explain what is it.
Arguing over who takes out the garbage, who cooks dinner or who does the dishes is something that can be explained beyond a specific argument, as the experts point out, and on many occasions may be due to reasons that we do not know and that took place during childhood. As Proyecto ART psychotherapists explain, the central conflict in couple relationships is often deeper than it seems. “When couples come to therapy, we can observe how each couple has a central conflict that seems very prosaic on the surface but deep down touches on aspects that are intrinsic to each couple,” they explain. Experts in couples therapy state that these are often related “to their past traumas or painful experiences or have a special meaning that is hidden behind everyday complaints.”
They further emphasize that there are four reasons that tend to be the main culprits. These are attachment, vicious circles, co-creation of relationships/conflicts and the snowball effect. It all boils down to childhood experiences, the repetition of old patterns, the creation of relationships and conflicts based on the couple and the consequences of not detecting the signs in time and letting the problems grow. However, they explain that many times it can be solved with couple therapy, such as the one offered in their clinic https://proyectoart.com/en/couples-counseling and explain that, in any case, this will be very useful to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Attachment and childhood relational experiences
Detecting and knowing the causes that provoke arguments with the couple can help enormously to improve the relationship, but also to discover why an individual acts in a particular way. Couples therapy is one of the most recommended options when couples have problems that cannot be solved at home, and it is also very useful to understand oneself and as a unit. The ART Project explains that one of the main causes of frequent arguments between couples is attachment. This is understood as the style of relating to others, it is created from babies and is established throughout life. “Early relational experiences, when repeated, form patterns of relationships that condition our relational styles in the future,” they explain, adding that it is common to choose couples with a relational style very similar to that of caregivers.
For example, relationships in which there was attunement and secure bonds prepare individuals to know how to depend on others in a healthy way; however, lack of attunement and feelings of abandonment since childhood condition them to be very sensitive to these in adulthood or to try to make up for the deficits in other relationships, explain the ART Project. “It is not uncommon for us to choose a partner who has a relational style similar to that of our caregivers and the things they do or are not able to do will activate our early wounds or deficits,” they express.
Always going back to the same thing, vicious circles
Another reason that gives way to the same old discussions is what experts define as vicious circles. “If we recreate the same story over and over again, we will draw the same conclusions about the world around us and about relationships,” they say. The fears and insecurities experienced in childhood are perpetuated, causing individuals to become highly sensitive to subtle signals, triggering intense emotions in the future. For example, a childhood abandonment can cause a person to withdraw and detach from anyone who might presumably leave them again.
The co-creation of relationships and conflicts as a function of the couple.
The psychologists of Proyecto ART explain that not withdrawing and closing ourselves to the same old things is vital to lose the fear of what generates fear in us, allowing us to create a deeper and more attuned connection with the other person, among other things. They describe that “the relational style we create with our partner is always co-created and is the responsibility of both partners”. Therefore, it is up to each person to know or find out what are the vicious circles that limit their relationships with the other person, why they occur and how to solve them to adapt to the current relationship.
From less to more, the snowball effect
The snowball effect occurs when problems are not detected in time or are ignored, causing them to grow into what they describe as a huge snowball. To explain this situation they use an example of a couple with problems. On one side is Carol, who is afraid of being dumped again, and on the other side is John, whose attachment style is insecure. After the first date, John sends Carol a message to express that he wants to see her again, however, she does not respond instantly because she does not seem too committed. This triggers another message from John telling her that she doesn’t need to respond if she doesn’t want to. And as a result, Carol responds creating a dynamic in the relationship that results in him thinking he is always pursuing her and her constantly feeling overwhelmed by his passive-aggressive way of expressing his needs.
By not talking about what happened and not solving the problem, it extrapolates to larger conflicts in the future, e.g., John getting upset about having to plan everything and her withdrawing when he starts nagging her. To prevent this from happening, the experts at Proyecto ART recommend finding out what each person’s relational experiences are like and going to couples therapy if they need help in the process.
